Most couples who come to me don’t come because something dramatic has happened. They come because something quieter has — a slow drifting apart, a conversation that keeps catching on the same thread, a tiredness that’s grown up between them without either really noticing when it began.

Some come in the immediate aftermath of an affair, when the world feels broken open and both people are looking for a way to stand up again. Some come because the same argument keeps appearing in slightly different shapes, and they’ve run out of ways to have it. Some come because one of them is worried, and the other isn’t sure yet whether they are.

There’s no right reason. If something between you isn’t quite working, that’s reason enough.

What couples counselling offers

The simplest thing it offers is a third space — somewhere you can both be heard, by someone who isn’t choosing sides and isn’t trying to fix you. That sounds small, but for many couples it’s the first time in a long while that a difficult conversation has been able to happen without escalating, defending, or going silent.

From there, the work is slower. It’s about understanding what’s underneath the arguments — the feelings that get reached for too quickly, the fears that drive familiar patterns, the longings that aren’t being heard. It’s about learning to recognise when you’re stuck in a loop and how to step out of it, gently. And where there has been a deep rupture, it’s about the patient, careful work of rebuilding trust.

With couples I draw on Emotionally Focused Therapy, an approach with strong evidence behind it for relationship work. In practice that means helping the two of you slow down enough to find each other underneath the conflict — because in most cases, the connection hasn’t gone anywhere. It’s just been buried under hurt or distance.

What it isn’t

It isn’t refereeing. It isn’t about who’s right. And it isn’t always about staying together — sometimes the most useful outcome of couple’s work is the clarity to separate kindly, particularly where children are involved. Either path is a true outcome of the work.

You don’t need to be in crisis to come

Some of the most rewarding work I do is with couples who notice something shifting before it’s broken — who choose to spend a few sessions understanding themselves better as a couple, before things become harder. There’s no minimum level of difficulty required.

If anything in this resonates, please do get in touch. There’s no rush, no pressure, no obligation.

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Wherever you are, and whatever you’re carrying, I’d be glad to meet you there.

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Paula Cornes

Counsellor for Individuals & Couples — Cheshire